What have I done to myself. What have I done to myself to be in the situation I am in now. The other day, I told You that I comfort myself by telling me that if things had gone the way I wanted it to, I wouldnt have met you - and that'll comfort me alot. Enough to not think about NUS NTU SMU whatever. But, I dont know. Every inch filled with regret. Filled with questions; What ifs. Damn, I'm being too hard on myself aren't I? Sigh

 

Let's ponder.

 

I hope I will be a better parent.

My life, how has it been? To sum it up, the past 4 years have been shitty. Like being trapped in a long, deep and dark neverending tunnel, with the occasional glimpses of daylight...thats right, just a glimpse. Everytime I think I'm nearing the end..the darkness only continues to get darker. Being disappointed over and over again, it shows that even with the trust you put in the people who supposedly loves you most, nothing will change and no one is going to help you.

I guess this is the last straw. If it doesnt go through again, I'll secure myself a goddamn job, and start from below. from zero.

I'll slowly but surely carve a hole through this goddamn place, starting with my bare hands. Like a lost child who's parents have totally forgotten about. Like a lost toy it's owner has lost but replaced. I'll have to do it, like it or not. fml. FML.

I wish I wasnt born.
Then I wont be a burden.
I wont let you feel the regret and guilt, if youre feeling any. From letting your own lovede one have to go through the pain and disappointment. To not be able to provide for them the way you should.
If I wasnt born, things would certainly have been different for the both you.
Sigh. But what can I say? What's done is done.
At the same time, enough is enough.

I look at my friend's fb profiles..to see what they are up to.
Friends from kindergarten, primary school, secondary school..jc & ex colleagues.
And then I look at how my life has turned out.

Sucks that I almost flunk my As. Well, as good as flunking anw cos I cant go anywhere with those SHITTY grades.
Sucks that I have parents like these
I dont mean to be such an ungrateful daughter. Thing is Ive tried and am still trying. But just this once, I'm asking for something big. Well even if its not the first time...this time its something I need. I want. Not a Chanel. Not a BMW. Not even a driver's license. All those, I can worry about later. I just want you to support my decision and not see me in a bad light. Everything associated with me is terrible. My friends. My associates. My job. Yes, JOB. motherfucking job. Why must my parents look at me that way? Just because I'm ambitious and I like to aim high. I like to think of the things I want..the lifestyle I want, to motivate me to work hard. Everytime I pick myself up, something drags me down. I've thought my parents would be this sort but sadly, it has turned out to be this way.

All i can boast about is the lessons I have learnt. Lessons NUS can't teach. Lessons you wont learn till youre being put through such shit. Life lessons. When experienced first hand, it bites. After awhile, you realise that if you werent put through such difficult times, you wont appreciate things  the way you do.

Stop taking things for fucking granted.